My front door is lime green and minty green. Lime. Green. But I’m not to blame — the previous owners were very eccentric people and I’m
lazy slowly progressing with the improvements, so we’re just dealing with the color for now. But Fall is here and I literally could not wait to start with my Fall decor. Technically, the wreath has been up since we had the first cool morning last week, but that’s neither here nor there.
For all of my new readers, Fall is my absolute favorite season. It isn’t too cold or too hot to enjoy some of the best festivals that happen around the city. And who doesn’t love football? Well, technically, I’m not a huge fan, but I love tailgating and watching the band and attending homecoming events. I think it’s even more exciting that my son is going to be playing football this year and my daughter will be in my university’s homecoming parade. So I’m double excited around here. And also, the little one started Taekwondo and he absolutely loves it!
This is also my season that I begin purge, both mentally and physically. Physically by getting rid of things that I don’t use or need and mentally, by limiting my social media use and being more and more cautious on what I take in from social media altogether. Recent events within the last few weeks are also contributing factors, but it’s needed nevertheless. Maybe I’ll finally get my thesis done. Maybe I’ll finally get a chance to dive into the books that line the windowsill of my bedroom and the bookshelf in my office. Perhaps I can update my blog more often than I do. And maybe, I can get a headstart on next year’s promotion since I’ve already received the one for this year.
I have a lot to figure out, and I’m using the remainder of this month and all of October – until to reflect, assess, and make some changes. I’m not sure how much of my digital presence will be affected, but whatever happens & whatever I decide, please wish me the Godspeed I’ll need to achieve all the goals I’ve set for myself this month.
And hopefully, I’ll have good things to share when the month ends. (:
And I think at this point, it hurts a little bit more. Because at the top, you expect it. You’re sort of used to it.
You start to realize that the amount of people who you started with are dwindling. As you gain more success and more acolades.. when you start attaining and even surpassing goal after goal after goal in what seems like an effortless manner, people disappear. All of those people you thought for sure would remain and celebrate with you, don’t even answer their phones. They don’t even reach out to you. And when you do reach out to them, the answers are short and barely sweet.
I’ve heard how lonely it is at the top, especially if the progression gap is eons in difference. And sometimes you wish they could see how much you’ve sacrificed and how hard you’ve prayed and how many tears you’ve cried. Nor how many times you’ve pieced yourself together when the world ripped you apart. The many times you’ve fallen. The bruises on your knees from all that praying. The blisters on your hands from holding on to a dream so tightly only to deal with it escaping you. No one realizes all the dark moments that only you know God was the only one who could have gotten you through.
Nobody sees the late nights you put in. The extra mile you go to want to learn all you can. All the time you’ve taken to prep yourself to never be scared to ask a question so that I can get a better understanding and be completely indispensable to my project. No one really cares about the effort you put in, they’re only worried with the outcome. And they envy you for it.
They envy you for your perseverance. Your resilience. Your ability to be strong enough to pick yourself back up when you fall. And maybe that’s why my emotions, my thoughts, and my feelings are so disregarded. That would be the perfect excuse, wouldn’t it?
I’ve begun to see past the facades and the fronts. I’ve always known that people aren’t as happy for you as they so jubilantly claim that they are for you. And I’ve always known that my true, authentic happiness for a person doesn’t require reciprocation. But knowing and seeing it first hand from certain individuals truly appalls me because I was always sure that the people I had surrounded myself with would practice that reciprocity.
It’s going to hurt to let a few relationships go, but my family comes first. The things that they need are a priority. Our places in this world are important. The marks and legacy I’m trying to leave for them is crucial so I’m inclined to set the bar as high as I can. And my peace, my peace is conducive to my upward climb. I have never had a problem using my candle to light another’s wick, but I’d be damn if I ever see myself dim my light to allow others to shine. And I will never apologize for making that decision.