I wore a hat today. This hat is serves as a disguise of how I really feel. It’s hiding the fact that I didn’t comb my hair because my body is too sore to do so. It’s hiding the stress embedded in my face. Nevertheless, it’s hiding the anger and hurt that dwells in my eyes. Another realization that I’ve come to is no matter how much you care or have cared about a person, no matter how much you’ve done and sacrificed, they are who they are. I cannot count on my fingers how many times I have swallowed words that could have pierced souls and left those on the edge of death. Even if these “friends” decided to tell me something personal, I’ve never mocked their hardships. Hell, I was too busy trying to lift them up. I was so busy surrounding and wrapping myself in their troubles and working with them to come to a solution, that I neglected my own health and I put my own well-being on the back burner. It hurts that when I need that same attention, that same love, and that same consideration, I’m overlooked.

I have found out hurtful things in the past two days. I have discovered what people that I have loved truly wish would happen to me. I have discovered that some truly wish that I fail in EVERY thing that I do. It hurts because I cannot fathom how someone I have once respected, loved, and cherished could wish this of me. If you’re happy and I’m happy in my own life, why can’t we both be happy? If I reach out to you, like you reached out to me, why can’t you be there without mocking my troubling situation? Why can’t you be there and keep my secrets? What would cause you to think that what I go through and confide in you is a joke? I don’t understand. But, I don’t think I want to.

Although it hurts, I now know who’s truly here for me. All of the energy that I’ve spent on these fake people in my life, will be diverted towards the situations of my TRUE friends where I am needed. I want to change my number. Instead, I’ll just ignore the phone calls and texts. Sooner or later, hopefully sooner THAN later, they’ll get the picture. So, until those TRUE friends need me, miss me with that dumb shit!

Throwing myself into work, school, family life is my plan. All of the free time aside from these aspects, will be spent under a rock. And if ANY body wishes to disturb my time of dwelling, I will let you have it!

[..getting upset over a #basicbitch, #imoffthat. Please find your own identity! Copying one's swag (do people still say "swag") in the least important aspects of life, is pitiful. #killyoself. A "grown woman" tuning in to a little "girl" with NOTHING-- #wheretheydothatat ??? ]