F I N
There is only so much my patience and my heart will allow. I no longer have a tolerance for this ignorance, this stupidity, and this nonsense. Am I angry? No. Am I jealous? No. Nevertheless, I give my blessing to ANY “woman” who loves a man that doesn’t take care of his kids but someone else’s. I’m leaving it all behind. I am walking away. White flag? I never surrender. But, when you know the battle is not worth winning, when you know the game is not worth bragging to those you have defeated, you fold..shamelessly.
I’ve been working overtime this whole month since the semester ended. I wanted to make Christmas special as I knew Imari’s father wouldn’t. It was Imari’s first Christmas and I wanted it to be memorable. Indeed, it was. I thank myself for that. I thank myself for working 50-60 a week and bringing home $1000-$1200 checks. I thank myself for not complaining or calling in when I was sick. I applaud myself for getting my daughter and my niece everything they asked for. Seeing all of their faces Christmas morning was priceless. I cried I was so happy. I cried because I was proud of myself for my hardwork. I cried because I remember never seeing my father during this time because of all the overtime he put in for my selfishness and me wanting everything. I thank him for instilling that same characteristic in me. I know how he feels.
2010 will be an even better year. I’m shifting my focus. I’m removing people from my life who are not positive and who pray for the day of my demise to come sooner than later. My number is changing. My address may change and I’m letting go and I’m starting over. I’ll continue to be both mom and dad for my son as my daughter’s father plays a significant role in her life. I am truly thankful for that. I’ve been patient for an entire year, not demanding much from my son’s father. Considering the fact that Imari lives with me and I provide for him solely, I didn’t think $100, which is half of the daycare premium, was too much to ask for. Apparently it was because I never received a cent. The most Imari has ever received from his “father” were the cheapest brand of diapers (46/56 count) and used clothes from a cousin. Everything that Imari has is a result of my labor. But you know what? Now that I think about it, when I say that, it doesn’t sound so bad.
All of this back and forth via statuses, text messages, etc. is ending with me. It’ll be continued but I won’t respond. I’m done with it. Maybe Imari’s father will change..but umm, who are we kidding? I know what will change; the fact that I won’t be on the defensive end or the offensive end or even caught in the middle of TWO narcisstic, egotistical, self-concious, immature, and insecure individuals. I will not be at the mercy of Karma. Nope, not me!
So, here’s my hand. I have no spades. Considering that fact, I’m walking away with all that I have, instead of continuing to play this game and losing everything. Everything I have, my worth, my dignity, my pride, my sanity, is weighed on a different scale. I’m of a higher caliber. *throws in hand, gets up and pushes chair under the table.. looks for the nearest booth to cash in her chips..*
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I believe you are a strong woman to walk away from the nonsense. I’ve already done that considering the fact that I won’t even inquire child support with questions about why I’m not receiving support. You son is better off without him. Would you want him to grow up learning from an individual like him? Nope! You’d probably want him to grow up with the same values your Dad instilled in you. It’s his loss and not yours and I applaud you for all your hard work and being a wonderful mother to your children. :)
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Gurl, those kinds of men are the types that give the men sex gender a really bad reputation. My brother done that shit when he use to cheat on his ex wife and when I heard he was up there taking care of WELFARE women who’s men were up in prison – not only was he cheating on his ex wife who is a Jamaican who is very ambitious and hardworking…not only did he cheat on her but he chose to do it with women of lower class standards…who’s men were up in prison…he actually took care of their kids and them financially…over his own kids. He had twin boys and they were so oh so young at the time. It was that shit that totally turned me off from him and that was when I lost all respect for his ass.
This was over ten years ago and nowadays he walking around as if he is god’s gift to my mom and my mom…god forgive me for saying this but the stupid bitch so blind to his bullshit that she pampers his ass and protects him. It is cause of him why my dad ended up in the hospital having to get a pacemaker…
So, it is men like my brother I cannot freaking stand…I am now turned off from all men cause I seen my share of douche bags…my brother takes cake though…men like that oughta be shot in the penises and left to bled to death…or casteration with no pan killers…
Men like that are so unworthy of a good woman’s precious heart and time…I feel more bad for women who have kids for these assholes but I love the fact that some women don’t let those dead beat dads keep them back from making a better life for them and their kids. I love the fact how some women – I admire women who are so strong and ambitious…to be both the mom and dad to their kids.
Hang in there hun…I know things will get better for you…*warm hugz*
Have a good nite hun!
Bella Rose – My Ears Hurt *SNIFFLEZ*
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Lisa, thank you for your comment. It’s amazing how men would do anything just to continue to reap whatever benefits they are receiving from these women. While dwelling in their own selfishness, they forget about their responsibilities. In my son’s father’s case, he has NO responsibilities because he’s used of women taking care of him. I feel that he’s used to that so he doesn’t feel obligated to do anything because there’s always someone there to do it for him! I’ve come to terms that I cannot make him take care of his son before my son was born. I understood then that I couldn’t make him love a part of himself because Imari came from him. But, I don’t mind giving twice the love and receiving it.
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I know that it takes a mighty individual to turn the other cheek. I’ve been dealing with this for about 2 years and at this point, it’s easier to just do some punching IN the cheeks. You get to a point where if someone says one more word and you go off. I was almost at that point. But you know what, I realized that it’s JUST NOT WORTH IT. After all, he’s a deadbeat and I can only leave his fate up to God. I read your entry about 1 Timothy 5:8 and it gave me a sense of serenity. It reminded me that everything happens for a reason and vengence is definitely not mine. So, I won’t claim it.
I won’t allow him or her to break me. I’m still quite happy in my life and I’m looking forward to graduation at the end of 2010 or the beginning of 2011.
Thank you for your comment, Samara!
:heart:
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Sounds like you had a really nice Christmas. Kudos to you
for “removing” negative stuff from your life. Good luck!
Cecilie – Close your eyes, sometimes it helps.
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Whoa that was real deep and I really do admire you for standing up and being the other parent in your son’s life. My mother has had to be both the father and the mother for my sister and I so I know how that feels.
She made sure that we had Christmas gifts every Christmas too, just like yyou did. I hope that the New Year will bring something good for you, you know a new start. Like I said before I think a lot of people are looking forward to the New Year. I know I am.
Alexa – Just Blank…
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As a single mother, I know exactly what you are going through. It’s sad that these guys can attempt to call themselves men but can’t provide for or take care of their own flesh and blood. These are the things that make us stronger. I truly believe that. I’m very sorry that you have to go through such nonsense and if it takes walking away to rid yourself of it, then so be it, because that’s what I’m doing. In the end, he will be the one who has to suffer knowing that he has a child that he wasn’t man enough to care for. I do believe when they get older, they think about everything that they didn’t do as men and it will tear him apart. It’s karma. I’m glad to see that you remain a strong, positive and great mother.
Shannon – New Beginnings
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Wow this is a powerful post! I cannot say how heartbreaking it is to see women have to deal with so much and plead with fathers just to take a part of their child’s lives. I really do commend you for realizing that what’s more important for your son is that you make the best for him, and you should be very proud of yourself! I am taken back that you would even recognize that in this terrible situation, something good has derived and that’s the fact that you have proven to be stronger as a woman, and mother.
Nica – How preverted!
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Nica, sometimes I wonder how I actually acquired the strength to do such. It’s obvious that “Love” was apparent in this situation and I never thought that I’d be looking past that because I thought this “love” was authentic. I thank God for allowing me to see the bigger picture–my son and his well-being. I also thank God for bestowing the power to remain sane. There are a lot of things that I would really like to do to this guy, but I know that it’s not worth it and it’s pointless. So, instead of trying to concoct a plan on how to “pay him back” or “get him”, I do what I need to do for my son. Time is of the essence. I don’t have time to waste it.
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