I have decided to cease all communication with my son’s father. He’s unaware that I just lost my grandmother so his childish antics continue. He’s very persistant with getting me even more upset than I am and I really don’t need the stress. So far, I’ve been able to hold it all together. I’ve been able to go to work and be around my family without crying. I save all of that for when I’m home alone. So, before my strength is totally depleted, I’ll do him a favor because I’m tired of being so strong.
This whole situation is tiring and I’m fed up. It’s so frustrating that I’ve spent nights crying myself to sleep and praying for some type of understanding as to why he treats his son the way that he does. Then I’m crying and pleading with God for some type of strength to continue to do what I do for my son. I can’t fathom why he doesn’t love him or why he doesn’t feel the way I feel about him. I don’t understand why he says things about his own son just to hurt me. I’m busy with work and school and I still MAKE the time to be in Imari’s life. When I look at him, or both of my children, I really can’t help but to smile. I love both of them equally. I’m not sure how he puts a value on his children. I’m not sure why Imari doesn’t amount up to his standards because he looks a certain way or because whatever reason. It’s unfair to me and it’s unfair to Imari.
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Somehow I feel that this is all my fault. This is all my fault for trying to make him love his own creation. I should have known it would be this way when he threw me against a toilet and punched and kicked me in my stomach while yelling he was going to give me an abortion. That was due to him
thinking I was with someone else because he was. Moreover, I should have known this when a week later, he returned to my apartment and abused me in the parking lot where I suffered a concussion. But, if that wasn’t enough, I should have known when his girlfriend informed me that I shouldn’t be so “happy” about my baby when he asked her for $2100.00 just to abort it. After all of that, why would I ever think that he’d love this child? I had to drive myself to the hospital to be induced when I told him the date and the time. I should have known when he showed up to the hospital high. I should have known when he failed to sign the birth certificate for my son but he didn’t have a problem signing the birth certificate for the oldest and the youngest son. I guess I should have been aware that he didn’t care about my request for Imari’s circumcision because he “never had the money” but his oldest and his youngest are clipped. It was $200 and I asked him for half. He came to the hospital in a new polo. I guess I’m the fool for thinking since he didn’t work he’d be able to watch his son while I returned to school. As a result of my foolishness, I was out with a newborn baby trying to fnd someone to watch him while I register for school 3 days after I had been discharged from the hospital. Even moreso, it was foolish of me to think that he’d buy his baby clothes, shoes, diapers, etc. I should have known that he’d just pick up a bag of clothes that had gotten wet and contained mildew. Missing the donuts with Dad’s program at Imari’s daycare, not even being concerned with his health after being hospitalized..Can the signs be even more obvious?
In so many words, he explains that all this would end if I would just talk to him. His talk and my talk are different. I would literally talk. He wants to fuck when he wants. He wants to enter and exit my life when he wants. He wants me to take him back time, after time like I did before. Because I refuse to let him touch me, because I refuse to let him spend the night in my home when he wants to “see” Imari at night while he’s sleeping, I suffer. Even more, Imari suffers.
I’m not sure how the selective process goes and I don’t even want to know. It’s sad and it’s wrong. Yet, I’m being blamed for not allowing him to see his child. He knows he doesn’t want to. Anytime he boasts about how he does this for his newborn, how he has bought this and that, how he’s taking the oldest one this place, and how he just bought Jordans and Polos for him, while my son has yet to receive a “just because” gift, he doesn’t care. Need I mention that anytime he offered to spend the day with Imari on his birthday, but he leaves him with his girlfriend for most of the day, says that he doesn’t care and will never care. How do I know this? Well, she felt the need to post it on Facebook. That was pretty nice.
I’ve been strong for all this time but right now, I don’t know how much more I can take. If this were any other time, I’d cry my frustration out and continue with my daily duties. If this were ANY other time, I’d let it roll off my back and go on. But right now, when my strength is almost non-existant, I think my best option is to leave the situation alone entirely and just allow a judge to deal with it.
I know what I have to do. I’ve figured that out last year. I have accepted the fact that I am all Imari has and according to him running to me when I pick him up after work, I think he’s fine with that. He’s on Medicaid now. Since they do not cover circumcision, it’s at least $3,000 for the procedure. But, my insurance covers it. Then, I’ll probably have to work an extra hour so it won’t mess up my budget but I think I’m fine with that. The medical coverage is pre-tax anyway. As far as the premium for daycare goes, I’ll just continue to do what I’ve been doing.
It has never been a cakewalk and I never expected it to be. I just never expected that this be the outcome to be this upsetting and this sad. Nevertheless, it’s the truth and I have never been known to shun from the truth. God has a plan for me. I believe that plan is to finish college, as I intend to by the end of this year or the beginning of next year if summer school is available. More importantly, I think it is to prove to Him that I am able to receive his gift and his blessings of strength and endurance to raise this little boy into a real man. Then, maybe one day when I’m old with white hair, rocking in my rocking chair, Imari can tell his son, or grandson God-willing, while referring to me, “Son, this is how a REAL man does it. This is how it’s done!” So, let’s get this done.
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