All of our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone that makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there’s someone perfect who might be searching for us. Kevin Arnold, The Wonder Years
The past decided to reach out to me in the past few months. I’d hate to say it was because of my recent accomplishments because he has been trying since the beginning of the year. However, I do think it sweetens the pot. That may be a harsh assumption to make but I reserve the right to be harsh and skeptical towards him.
This ghost has been a factor in my life for the last two years. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t happy. That he didn’t make me smile. That my eyes didn’t light up when he smiled. Or that my heart didn’t skip a beat when I’d see him walking towards me. Or when I caught a glimpse of his brown eyes, butterflies fluttered with grace within me. But when you get hurt, more than once, that joy is dimmed. And those memories are damn near null and void.
I’m not surprised by his call and his efforts one bit. But the timing just deters me and makes me question his motives. Where were you when I was striving and trying to balance life? Where were you when I just needed someone to talk to? Where were you when I needed you to support me and be happy for the things that I was accomplishing sans a salary?
Busy living three lives.
Am I bitter? Meh. If being hurt by someone whom you thought loved you and you can’t even be friends with them is bitter, then I guess I am. We used to be friends, and he was a good friend to me. The love came afterwards. 4 years later. And what hurts the most is discovering that he wasn’t really my friend. Because no friend will be so selfish to do those types of things. I cannot be convinced otherwise.
Now this ghost wants to spend all of his time with me. Now he wants to see me everyday, text me every morning and every night. Now, all of a sudden, he’s developed this interest in my goals and accomplishments. Now he wants a clean slate. A Fresh Start. A New Beginning. Now he’s serious and he’s learned his lesson and he realizes, “I’m the one.”
And he asked me to take him back. To give him another chance.
And with every lie, and hurt, and trespass, and wrong that he has ever done to me and turned me cold was projected in my response. So coldly I said, “No.”
Some people pass through your life and you never think about them again. Some you think about and wonder what ever happened to them. Some you wonder if they ever wonder what happened to you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do. Kevin Arnold, The Wonder Years
And I’m positive I meant it. Even though for a quick moment I thought about what our life may be like together again, thriving and loving. But my coldness that he created within me put a halt to the dreams and the thoughts.
Over and over, this is my chant. Because every time he wants me to consider “starting over”, I think about all those times I cried. All those times I was so angry. And then that time where I became numb to everything. And when I no longer cared. Over and over this word echoes. Reminding me of the progress I’ve made in letting go. Over and over, I hear it.. loud and clear.
And I’m positive I mean it.