All of our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone that makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there’s someone perfect who might be searching for us. Kevin Arnold, The Wonder Years

The past decided to reach out to me in the past few months. I’d hate to say it was because of my recent accomplishments because he has been trying since the beginning of the year. However, I do think it sweetens the pot. That may be a harsh assumption to make but I reserve the right to be harsh and skeptical towards him.

This ghost has been a factor in my life for the last two years. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t happy. That he didn’t make me smile. That my eyes didn’t light up when he smiled. Or that my heart didn’t skip a beat when I’d see him walking towards me. Or when I caught a glimpse of his brown eyes, butterflies fluttered with grace within me. But when you get hurt, more than once, that joy is dimmed. And those memories are damn near null and void.

I’m not surprised by his call and his efforts one bit. But the timing just deters me and makes me question his motives. Where were you when I was striving and trying to balance life? Where were you when I just needed someone to talk to? Where were you when I needed you to support me and be happy for the things that I was accomplishing sans a salary?

Busy living three lives.


IMAG2178 IMAG2174

Am I bitter? Meh. If being hurt by someone whom you thought loved you and you can’t even be friends with them is bitter, then I guess I am. We used to be friends, and he was a good friend to me. The love came afterwards. 4 years later. And what hurts the most is discovering that he wasn’t really my friend. Because no friend will be so selfish to do those types of things. I cannot be convinced otherwise.

Now this ghost wants to spend all of his time with me. Now he wants to see me everyday, text me every morning and every night. Now, all of a sudden, he’s developed this interest in my goals and accomplishments. Now he wants a clean slate. A Fresh Start. A New Beginning. Now he’s serious and he’s learned his lesson and he realizes, “I’m the one.”

And he asked me to take him back. To give him another chance.

And with every lie, and hurt, and trespass, and wrong that he has ever done to me and turned me cold was projected in my response. So coldly I said, “No.”

Some people pass through your life and you never think about them again. Some you think about and wonder what ever happened to them. Some you wonder if they ever wonder what happened to you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do. Kevin Arnold, The Wonder Years

And I’m positive I meant it. Even though for a quick moment I thought about what our life may be like together again, thriving and loving. But my coldness that he created within me put a halt to the dreams and the thoughts.

NO.

Over and over, this is my chant. Because every time he wants me to consider “starting over”, I think about all those times I cried. All those times I was so angry. And then that time where I became numb to everything. And when I no longer cared. Over and over this word echoes. Reminding me of the progress I’ve made in letting go. Over and over, I hear it.. loud and clear.

NO.

And I’m positive I mean it.

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12 Comments
  1. Kay

    August 27, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    [tears]

    This shit is real. You’re writing my feelings with your words.

    I mean it. NO.
    Coming SoonMy Profile

  2. Tanay

    August 28, 2013 at 10:55 am

    I’ve been gone for so long I have some serious blog reading to do.
    Sometimes NO is the hardest but the best.
    You’ve got some amazing strength. =)
    Hey, Remember When You Used to Blog?My Profile

  3. Chanel Jibal

    August 28, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    We’ve all been there girl. Many times if “No” was your first instinct…. it’s your right instinct. As women in 2013 we often need to demand respect and keep our dignity. Stay strong and forgive :) xoxo
    SUMMATIMEMy Profile

  4. Tamara

    August 29, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    I never did understand men. I could probably spend my whole life trying to figure them out and it would be a waste. It seems just as you are coming to a break through and you are finally happy…the past creeps up. When I finally settled into the relationship I have now an old flame decided to blaze. I asked the same questions you are asking now. Sadly, he could not justify himself with a decent response. That’s when I knew..no matter what I was holding on to..or what idea of a future I thought we may have had together…the fact remained there was none and I just had to get over my feelings and move on. Since then, I do wonder about the old flame. But the new one shines far brighter :) Don’t worry girl, I believe you made an educated decision…and the right one at that. You are happy and stable. Why chance it to rocky waters now.
    Feeling accomplishedMy Profile

  5. Shannon

    August 31, 2013 at 11:09 pm

    It’s good to hear that you’re stern in your decision. Sometimes we often fall prey and go back to the things that hurt us the most, leaving us lost, yet again. I, too, often question a persons motives when they happen to reappear into my life, suddenly interested in what’s going on with me. Often times, people just waltz in, expecting things to go back to the way they were and expect you to jump at the opportunity.
    Daley Ft. Marsha Ambrosius – Alone TogetherMy Profile

  6. april

    September 2, 2013 at 10:35 am

    Good for you! I have had something very similar happen to you. I knew what he was going to say so before he even mentioned meeting up to talk etc I told him I’m engaged and not interested. Men have a lot of nerves. They expect you to always be there no matter what.
    My Favorite Ice Cream – Haagen-Dazs Salted Caramel TruffleMy Profile

  7. Faith

    September 2, 2013 at 11:15 am

    So proud of you!

    You are a wonderful writer.

  8. Josie

    September 3, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    First off, this is so beautifully written.

    Sometimes its so hard to say no to something/someone we want so bad but is not good for us. I’m proud of you for being stern in your decision.
    Down the hudsonMy Profile

  9. Mrs. Pancakes

    September 6, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Sometimes remembering why it ended is the best way to move one! Thanks for being so vulnerable!

  10. Shakemia

    September 24, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    I absolutely loved this blog. I’ve been in this situation a time a two actually just recently the past has tried to crept back in however, we never ended on bad terms I just don’t know where it went wrong or why we didn’t work especially since we stayed friends. I guess the distance and over the years of not talking to each other can put a dim on things. I’m glad you are standing firm with your NO.

  11. Law_Fal

    November 4, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    How am I just now seeing this post. Girl. I wish you lived in Houston so we could go have a convo over drinks so I could fill you in on my similar experience. Smdh.
    The Weekend– Part DeuceMy Profile

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