I’ve struggled with coming here to write about all that’s going on around me at this time. It’s been pure madness for the last few weeks and most of the city of Baton Rouge is just trying their best to deal with such unfortunate circumstances. You know — you always hear about all of these things happening around the world and try your best to offer empathy and understanding, but it’s quite different when the madness happens so close in proximity.

The shooting of Alton Sterling has caused so much unrest it’s indescribable. There is so much tension here between the citizens and the police force it’s almost unreal. Think back to events that occurred in Ferguson. Now think about Baltimore. Now add those two together and multiply by the shitloads of all the racism that exists throughout the south. I am not exaggerating.

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It is absolutely no secret that racism runs deep and rampant here. And if you were to ask me how I could prove that, I would take you on a ride down a very popular street within the city’s horrible infrastructure called Florida Blvd, or as I like to call it, Baton Rouge’s very on Mason-Dixon Line. Seriously. This street clearly displays a division in regards to how funds are dispersed as it pertains to the economic development of Baton Rouge and which areas are the city’s priority. And if I were allowed to make a very blatant, but factual remark, most of the residents north of Louisiana’s Mason-Dixon line are.. well.. you guessed it — B-L-A-C-K.

A Tale of Two Cities. Really.

The city hasn’t slept since the murder of Alton Sterling north of this line. There have been protests on that side of town with no problem. But as soon as that line was crossed, police come out in their riot gear. RIOT GEAR. Police are in full body armor in response to protestors who have been peaceful. All of the protests and rallies that I’ve attended have been peaceful. Every single one of them. But now all of a sudden when protestors cross the line, it’s a problem. And now, to add fuel to the fire, the media is trying to associate an isolated incident that resulted in the unfortunate death of police officers with the Black Lives Matter movement and the protests here in Baton Rouge. So now, there’s even more tension. I just.. can’t.

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I’m tired. My soul is so fucking weary. It’s been weary for days now. It’s scary because even though you’d never imagine your loved one’s life to end in such a way, that is the reality right now. That’s the reality of my people.

My family.

My friends.

I can’t say that there isn’t fear in my heart, because there is. In a world that literally discounts the value of the lives of my brothers, my son, my father, my boyfriend, my family, and my friends.. how can I not have a sense of fear. Hell, I’ve left this state TWICE only to end up in another state with another violent issue and returning to the states to more violence.

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I’ve been praying relentlessly. The community has been praying. Hell, my ancestors BEEN praying. But that isn’t enough. And deciding on the correct and appropriate approach has caused a lot of division within our community. This our conundrum. We know we can’t JUST pray — we know there needs to be some action that follows — but, in my opinion, I don’t think we as a community know what that is right now.

So we’re all just out here trying to do our best to deal with this situation. Whatever that may be — if that’s hugging each other a little tighter, kissing a little longer, having a dialogue with someone that looks different from you, praying, protesting, boycotting, hugging police officers, whatever. We’re all just doing what we can.

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I know I’m all over the place with this post. But that’s probably because my thoughts are all over the place. What’s happening right now is really hard to grasp and assimilate. I don’t know when peace will be restored here in Baton Rouge. And I’d hate to see what the outcome of the city would be if the verdict that is returned is not favorable of the community that is mourning and hurting. It’s frightening when you don’t know what to expect in a situation like this here as well as the neighboring states around you. There is so much evil, madness, and uncertainty in the world. But God’s Love reigns supreme.

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  1. Mimi

    July 19, 2016 at 8:00 pm

    Weary is the word. I hate to be a Debbie Downer but as I watch the news and take in the banter on racism in America and peoples thoughts including mine on other races I just don’t know if we’ll ever come together in peace or see eye to eye. That is extremely scary to me.

    Reasonably I suppose the answer is to teach our children right from wrong and hope the next few generations get it right.

    1. Rae

      July 19, 2016 at 9:11 pm

      I completely agree. I honestly don’t believe I’ll see a true togetherness in my lifetime. I’ve made my peace with that, sort of. It’s sad that I even have to make peace with such a situation, but it’s quite difficult to undo centuries and decades and years of conditioning. So like you said and another thing I agree with wholeheartedly is that to teach our kids better. Instill love and empathy and understanding within them and just hope that they can get that right and change and heal this world.

  2. Valla

    July 20, 2016 at 7:40 am

    I literally had to step away from the TV and all social media outlets after the second shooting then to know we have people not taking matters into their own hands scares me even more and if anything makes us or just any black person a target. I agree with Mimi, I don’t think we will ever see eye to eye and it’s really sad.

    1. Rae

      July 21, 2016 at 7:31 am

      So did I — for my own mental’s sake and sanity you know?

  3. Daenel T.

    July 20, 2016 at 11:35 am

    So very well written. So heartbreaking. So much truth. Just so much of everything… My sister lives in Baton Rouge with her husband and I worry for them constantly because they’re an interracial couple. I worry that they’ll get caught in the middle of something. I worry for my son, my daughters, my friends, my family… I watch Facebook and Twitter and people I thought I knew are making me question everything about them. This is all just too much.

    1. Rae

      July 21, 2016 at 7:34 am

      I can’t even begin to tell you how many people that I’ve unfriended on social networks and in real life due to ignorance and pure hate and disrespect. Some people really didn’t come as a shock, but it’s still annoying and frustrating nonetheless, especially when it comes from those who you’d least expect.

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