Today was a David Bitton & Ralph Lauren kind of day. I haven’t been in the best mood, but I refused to look the part. So, I grabbed my favorite pair of Buffalos, my coral pink button up, and took on the day. Last week has been an overwhelming week for me and it’s only going to get even more hectic. School is right around the corner for my daughter and I, and I’m in awe at all the things that I still need to get done. Life has me in a chokehold right now, and I’m not feeling that.

My plans fell through that I had for the weekend. My anemia is really draining the life out of me. I stayed in bed all day Sunday because I didn’t even have the energy to get up and do anything. I felt weak all day and when I had to get up to fix dinner for my son, the world spun around me. I’ve tried to avoid the medication, but it’s getting to the point where it’s becoming detrimental to my health. And with school starting, I need all the energy that I can get.

Needless to say, I’m feeling much better today. I’m still a little tired but eating smaller snacks throughout the day is helping me retain some energy. I am realizing now that’s it going to take more than snacks to put me in the range where I need to be. (The last time I was checked in May, I was at an 8 when I was supposed to be between 10 – 12.) It’s not that I’m stubborn, it’s just that I don’t want to feel dependent on any type of medicine. But, like I’ve mentioned, it’s getting to the point where I won’t even have a choice. My kids need me to be alright – I need me to be alright. So, I’m waving the white flag. Gimme the pills.

I seriously cannot WAIT until all of the moving, unpacking, and renovations are complete. Maybe if I clear out some of the clutter, it’ll make me feel better and I won’t feel so overwhelmed.

I’m still having mixed emotions about actually going public with a series of unfortunate, heartbreaking events that has occurred within the last few weeks. But as I’m typing, I’m convincing myself that by the time I’m done with all that I need to say, I’ll feel brand new and relieved. Once I realized that saving face would only deprive you guys of the authenticity that I pride myself in providing, I was not willing to jeopordize the integrity of my blog. I came to the conclusion that I’d just rather keep it real.

Jonathan and I are no longer a couple. Yep, you read that correctly. Even after last month’s post about how extremely happy I was, which I truly was, all of that has ended. When I came to the realization that his behavior was just unacceptable, I had a very difficult time trying to tame my emotions. I cried, screamed, and begged God for just a little bit of strength to overcome this. But see, what God says pretty much goes, and He just wasn’t feelin’ it.

So what happened exactly? Well, Jonathan had a girlfriend, or has a girlfriend, or maybe they are no longer a couple after everything came to light. Needless to say, it was a discovery for her and I–a mature, emotional discovery. She cried – I cried. There was more than empathy that I felt for her. I was able to sympathize with her because I was in that same situation not long ago. I won’t go into detail, simply because she disclosed a few things to me that I prefer to keep off this blog. (You never know who’s peeping.) Nevertheless, I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, wish her the best and pray that she is given guidance in whatever she decides to do.

It was hard, especially since it was something that I really wanted. I had finally decided to give this love thing another shot, and it didn’t end how I had expected. But after lingering on the decision I made to give love another try, I reminded myself that with love, there are always risks. Love is a risk. Being in love was a great feeling, even though Jonathan wasn’t truthful with me the whole time. But there’s something that won’t allow me to believe that he didn’t feel something for me. All of those shoes, clothes, dates, flowers, monetary “just because” gifts, long conversations on the phone, slumber parties, and him just being there at my beck and call had to be for something right?

Maybe not. Sigh.

I’m upset, but I’m relieved that it’s all over–the truth has been revealed and that’s far better than wondering. On the other hand, the feeling of love still lingers. All this time I thought I wasn’t even capable of loving again, I proved myself wrong. I think I’d always love Jonathan for that–for the awakening, even though I’m sure this love will eventually downgrade to mere appreciation.

Overall, I’m fearless. I’m ready to love. Again. I loved the feeling and I know now that I still know how to love.. and that I can love. Ultimately, I lost the guy/gave up the guy, but simultaneously, that was my win. I’d never want to keep a guy like that because if I would, that would definitely lower my self-worth. And my worth depreciates for no one!

There are still good guys out here. That is my belief. There are guys that want to be had – that need to be had – that just want to be loved.

Sit tight guys, I’m coming!