My plans fell through that I had for the weekend. My anemia is really draining the life out of me. I stayed in bed all day Sunday because I didn’t even have the energy to get up and do anything. I felt weak all day and when I had to get up to fix dinner for my son, the world spun around me. I’ve tried to avoid the medication, but it’s getting to the point where it’s becoming detrimental to my health. And with school starting, I need all the energy that I can get.

Needless to say, I’m feeling much better today. I’m still a little tired but eating smaller snacks throughout the day is helping me retain some energy. I am realizing now that’s it going to take more than snacks to put me in the range where I need to be. (The last time I was checked in May, I was at an 8 when I was supposed to be between 10 – 12.) It’s not that I’m stubborn, it’s just that I don’t want to feel dependent on any type of medicine. But, like I’ve mentioned, it’s getting to the point where I won’t even have a choice. My kids need me to be alright – I need me to be alright. So, I’m waving the white flag. Gimme the pills.

I seriously cannot WAIT until all of the moving, unpacking, and renovations are complete. Maybe if I clear out some of the clutter, it’ll make me feel better and I won’t feel so overwhelmed.

Jonathan and I are no longer a couple. Yep, you read that correctly. Even after last month’s post about how extremely happy I was, which I truly was, all of that has ended. When I came to the realization that his behavior was just unacceptable, I had a very difficult time trying to tame my emotions. I cried, screamed, and begged God for just a little bit of strength to overcome this. But see, what God says pretty much goes, and He just wasn’t feelin’ it.

So what happened exactly? Well, Jonathan had a girlfriend, or has a girlfriend, or maybe they are no longer a couple after everything came to light. Needless to say, it was a discovery for her and I–a mature, emotional discovery. She cried – I cried. There was more than empathy that I felt for her. I was able to sympathize with her because I was in that same situation not long ago. I won’t go into detail, simply because she disclosed a few things to me that I prefer to keep off this blog. (You never know who’s peeping.) Nevertheless, I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, wish her the best and pray that she is given guidance in whatever she decides to do.

It was hard, especially since it was something that I really wanted. I had finally decided to give this love thing another shot, and it didn’t end how I had expected. But after lingering on the decision I made to give love another try, I reminded myself that with love, there are always risks. Love is a risk. Being in love was a great feeling, even though Jonathan wasn’t truthful with me the whole time. But there’s something that won’t allow me to believe that he didn’t feel something for me. All of those shoes, clothes, dates, flowers, monetary “just because” gifts, long conversations on the phone, slumber parties, and him just being there at my beck and call had to be for something right?

Maybe not. Sigh.

I’m upset, but I’m relieved that it’s all over–the truth has been revealed and that’s far better than wondering. On the other hand, the feeling of love still lingers. All this time I thought I wasn’t even capable of loving again, I proved myself wrong. I think I’d always love Jonathan for that–for the awakening, even though I’m sure this love will eventually downgrade to mere appreciation.

Overall, I’m fearless. I’m ready to love. Again. I loved the feeling and I know now that I still know how to love.. and that I can love. Ultimately, I lost the guy/gave up the guy, but simultaneously, that was my win. I’d never want to keep a guy like that because if I would, that would definitely lower my self-worth. And my worth depreciates for no one!

There are still good guys out here. That is my belief. There are guys that want to be had – that need to be had – that just want to be loved.

Sit tight guys, I’m coming!

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After today, I’ll have 4 sets of keys. I spent two hours looking for my car&house keys so I could take the children to school and so I can go to school. Needless to say, that didn’t happen this morning. My house is literally in shambles and it resembles nothing short of a pig’s sty. Who do I have to thank for my frustration this morning? No one other than my 1-year old son.

Have you ever found yourself at the mercy of a toddler? Imagine my agony while trying to plead with my 1-year-old to try and remember where he put Mommy’s keys. The problem wasn’t getting him to answer; rather, it was getting him to explain to me what he meant by “over there!”

“Over there!” meant the trash. So, here I am, sifting through dirty diapers, food containers, soda cans and the like. They weren’t in there and at this point, I’m so frustrated because now I’m almost late for work. It took a while for the idea to check ALL of the trash cans in my home, to register in my head. And what do you know? The keys were in the kitchen’s trash can.

I learned two valuable lessons today: make extra sets of keys and hang them in high places.

I could use a dream or a genie or a wish..
To go back to a place much simpler than this..

Even though I always seem to pull myself out of rough and troubling situations, sometimes I wish I could go back to when things were much simpler and much easier to deal with. I wish I could go back the times where Neosporin and Mommy&Daddy kisses were all it took to make all the trouble and stress subside. The stress of living on your own, raising two kids, and attending school isn’t easy to deal with everything; but I’m well aware of that. Sometimes I wish I had a dependent mindset where I would allow myself to live in my parent’s home and pocket the extra $1000 that I spend on rent and utilities a month. If that were the case, I’d have a new car and I wouldn’t be stressing about whether or not my car can even be repaired. I can treat myself to vacations and retail items that tickle my fancy. I can have money on standby that I wouldn’t be able to spend in 2 months.

But, I’ve been born with the mindset of my mother and father: working hard and having your own. These mindsets are definitely things that I don’t ever see receding. Right now, I’m dependent upon other people that I really shouldn’t even allow to help me. But, desperate times call for desperate measures. I’m having a hard time dealing with this dependency especially when I’m used to being independent. I can deal with the thought of being dependent upon my family, but other people, this is taking some time to get used to. It’s taking a lot of out me to do things and say things that I though I’d never have to say again. Nevertheless, I’ve come to the conclusion that if I ever want to return to the state of normalcy that I’ve grown so accustomed to, I have to swallow my pride and deal with the fact that I’ll be temporarily out of my element.

And let me tell you, swallowing this pride never tasted so disgusting!