August is finally here which means the end of the summer is drawing near and I’m not quite ready for it to end. July seemed like the most challenging and longest month of my life! Not to mention, it rained for most of the month as well. Nevertheless, it’s been a great summer for the most part, especially since I didn’t have to worry about school assignments and tests. It felt good being able to pretty much wake up later than 8:00 AM, or should I say, lay in the bed past 8:00 AM. Being able to sleep past 8:00 AM is foreign to me.

I didn’t get a chance to travel as much as I would have hoped for, but that was mainly because I was in desperate need of some wheels. I believe that was one of the highlights of my summer. I’m still in awe about my acheivement. It feels good being able to get into a car that I know will start and get me here, there and everywhere. I have yet to put the Silver Bullet to the highway test, but the summer isn’t over just yet. Hopefully after church this Sunday, we’re headed to Florida, or Mississippi, before they go back to school. That’ll at least give them something to share with their little friends when they return to school next week.

There’s a lot to be done this week. Besides getting settled in the house, I still need to get school supplies for my daughter, clothes, shoes, hair accessories – and not to mention, my son is going to need some things to for his school. As for me, school starts soon and returning to take on a new semester creates an indifferent feeling for me. I’m ready to return, but coincidentally, I could definitely go for a few more weeks before I have to return to such responsibilities. As with the start of any semester, I plan to remain organized. One of the things that I’m excited about, though, is shopping for school supplies. I’m a nerd and I can spend hours in Office Depot testing out pens, Sharpie markers, and the like.

The ending of the summer is always bittersweet to me, though. I was able to appreciate every event that has occurred. The smiles, the laughter, the tears, the accomplishments, the triumphs, the tribulations – everything. So besides the hot weather that permits cute summer outfits with bright colors, cookouts, late nights with daquiris, and weekend trips, my summers always present me with the opportunity to grow and to become a stronger person. It provides introspective moments, as well as time for self-reflection. And that, is what I look forward to each year.

I’m still having mixed emotions about actually going public with a series of unfortunate, heartbreaking events that has occurred within the last few weeks. But as I’m typing, I’m convincing myself that by the time I’m done with all that I need to say, I’ll feel brand new and relieved. Once I realized that saving face would only deprive you guys of the authenticity that I pride myself in providing, I was not willing to jeopordize the integrity of my blog. I came to the conclusion that I’d just rather keep it real.

Jonathan and I are no longer a couple. Yep, you read that correctly. Even after last month’s post about how extremely happy I was, which I truly was, all of that has ended. When I came to the realization that his behavior was just unacceptable, I had a very difficult time trying to tame my emotions. I cried, screamed, and begged God for just a little bit of strength to overcome this. But see, what God says pretty much goes, and He just wasn’t feelin’ it.

So what happened exactly? Well, Jonathan had a girlfriend, or has a girlfriend, or maybe they are no longer a couple after everything came to light. Needless to say, it was a discovery for her and I–a mature, emotional discovery. She cried – I cried. There was more than empathy that I felt for her. I was able to sympathize with her because I was in that same situation not long ago. I won’t go into detail, simply because she disclosed a few things to me that I prefer to keep off this blog. (You never know who’s peeping.) Nevertheless, I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, wish her the best and pray that she is given guidance in whatever she decides to do.

It was hard, especially since it was something that I really wanted. I had finally decided to give this love thing another shot, and it didn’t end how I had expected. But after lingering on the decision I made to give love another try, I reminded myself that with love, there are always risks. Love is a risk. Being in love was a great feeling, even though Jonathan wasn’t truthful with me the whole time. But there’s something that won’t allow me to believe that he didn’t feel something for me. All of those shoes, clothes, dates, flowers, monetary “just because” gifts, long conversations on the phone, slumber parties, and him just being there at my beck and call had to be for something right?

Maybe not. Sigh.

I’m upset, but I’m relieved that it’s all over–the truth has been revealed and that’s far better than wondering. On the other hand, the feeling of love still lingers. All this time I thought I wasn’t even capable of loving again, I proved myself wrong. I think I’d always love Jonathan for that–for the awakening, even though I’m sure this love will eventually downgrade to mere appreciation.

Overall, I’m fearless. I’m ready to love. Again. I loved the feeling and I know now that I still know how to love.. and that I can love. Ultimately, I lost the guy/gave up the guy, but simultaneously, that was my win. I’d never want to keep a guy like that because if I would, that would definitely lower my self-worth. And my worth depreciates for no one!

There are still good guys out here. That is my belief. There are guys that want to be had – that need to be had – that just want to be loved.

Sit tight guys, I’m coming!