Filed under: Love | Lust
I won’t pretend I’m good at forgiving. But I can’t hate you, although I have tried. I still really, really love you. Love is stronger than pride..–Sade
Guilty of submission. I’m am amissed for succumbing to my true feelings. But, I am human. I am in complete opposition of how I want to feel. I wanted to forget him, to erase him from my thoughts, or to even make his entire existence and what we were, obsolete. As a result of my efforts, I am left to endure this unexpected reprisal. My first thought was to shun the responsibility of dealing with this actuality. But, what sense would it make to lie to myself but despise others who lie to me?
Act of submission. I sat in my bed, alone, last night. The silence was deafening. The darkness was blinding. I felt alone. I was so used to falling asleep to the melodic sounds of his heavy snoring. I missed that. I really, really missed that. I missed looking at him with his shirt off. I missed seeing his overnight bag in the right walk in closet and his Polo boots in the left. I HATED those boots but they looked so good on him. I missed his scent. And I swear, after staring at four blank walls because he was supposed to hang up my mirrors and pictures, I thought I smelled him. After snapping back into reality and convincing myself that I’m not crazy, I did what any woman would do–any woman who is smitten.
It took 6 words, 24 letters, and 3 puncutation marks to sum how I really felt about C.W. and relay it to him: x x x x, I really, really miss you.
It only took him three words to reward me for following my heart: I love you.
This is the reiteration.
March 5, 2010
“There’s a force stronger than nature..Keeps her will alive…” –Sade
*turns down Sade*
You can’t tell me I didn’t try. No one can tell me that I didn’t open my heart. I did. I opened my heart to him and I let go hoping that in return, I’d receive some type of reciprocity. Briefly, during the reintroductory period, it appeared as I did. However, that slowly faded and the person that I’d left alone three years ago reappeared and behaved in manners that demanded that I deduce the actuality of someone I thought I knew. As a result, I accepted this actuality for what it was and renounced our “relationship”. It seems as though my heart and my mind are in sync with one another. I’m glad they’ve irrevocably discovered common ground.
“He told me sweet lies of sweet love heavy with the burden of the truth [..] I wear it like a tattoo..”
C.W. and I are no longer associated with one another. The whole argument stemmed from me “..never having time for him.” and “always working and always busy..” Now, at first, I could empathize with the way he felt because I always worked, went to school, and when it was time for me to turn in, I slept hard without thinking about calling. I was willing to work on that. I actually thought it was kind of cute that he wanted to be with me so often. If only that was the extent of the argument yesterday..
“When you came my way, you brightened every day with your sweet smile. Didn’t I tell you what I believe? Did somebody say that a love like that won’t last? Didn’t I give you all that I’ve got to give..?”
I think I’m better off single, at least until I finish with my school career. Maybe I really don’t have the time to deal with the highs and lows of a relationship. I refuse to put my children, school, or work on the back burner because of some piece of wood. It’s amazing how the same thing that can attract a guy, can turn him away. Who would have ever thought it’d be my work ethic, my ambition, and my wanting to better myself and acquire knowledge? I can’t sit here and lie and say I wish he was a little more considerate because that’s all I’d be doing, wishing. I’m not a wisher. Wishing turns into wishful thinking and I’m not a wishful thinker. I’m a realist and I accept realism in it’s rarest form. Any guy/person who cannot accept that, I’ll “except” them. I’ll continue with my life except that individual won’t be in it.
Like the scar of age written all over my face. The war is still raging inside of me. I still feel the chill as I reveal my shame to you. I wear it like a tattoo.
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February 27, 2010
I was talking to my friend a few moments ago and she was really upset about the current state of this “relationship” that she has involved herself in.
Now, she had been dating this guy for the past three months and they’ve just made everything official a few weeks back. She said everything was fine–she did things for him, he did things for her, vice versa. Now recently, if I’m remembering correctly, she loaned this guy $500 for whatever reason because he claimed he really needed it. In my opinion, that’s an awful lot of money to loan to someone but she said she won’t ever loan what she’ll miss. I definitely dig that concept, but I digress.
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and the guy didn’t call, text, or get her a gift and she’s all distraught about it. In a way, I didn’t think getting a gift on Valentine’s Day was a big deal. I’d rather a guy do something for me on a day OTHER THAN Valentine’s Day because to me, I think it’s a bit cliche and ridiculous to wait for a day to show someone that you really love them. Anyways, I told her it wasn’t a big deal but I can understand how she could be a little hurt because the guy didn’t call.
How would you feel?
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February 15, 2010
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