I’m still having mixed emotions about actually going public with a series of unfortunate, heartbreaking events that has occurred within the last few weeks. But as I’m typing, I’m convincing myself that by the time I’m done with all that I need to say, I’ll feel brand new and relieved. Once I realized that saving face would only deprive you guys of the authenticity that I pride myself in providing, I was not willing to jeopordize the integrity of my blog. I came to the conclusion that I’d just rather keep it real.

Jonathan and I are no longer a couple. Yep, you read that correctly. Even after last month’s post about how extremely happy I was, which I truly was, all of that has ended. When I came to the realization that his behavior was just unacceptable, I had a very difficult time trying to tame my emotions. I cried, screamed, and begged God for just a little bit of strength to overcome this. But see, what God says pretty much goes, and He just wasn’t feelin’ it.

So what happened exactly? Well, Jonathan had a girlfriend, or has a girlfriend, or maybe they are no longer a couple after everything came to light. Needless to say, it was a discovery for her and I–a mature, emotional discovery. She cried – I cried. There was more than empathy that I felt for her. I was able to sympathize with her because I was in that same situation not long ago. I won’t go into detail, simply because she disclosed a few things to me that I prefer to keep off this blog. (You never know who’s peeping.) Nevertheless, I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, wish her the best and pray that she is given guidance in whatever she decides to do.

It was hard, especially since it was something that I really wanted. I had finally decided to give this love thing another shot, and it didn’t end how I had expected. But after lingering on the decision I made to give love another try, I reminded myself that with love, there are always risks. Love is a risk. Being in love was a great feeling, even though Jonathan wasn’t truthful with me the whole time. But there’s something that won’t allow me to believe that he didn’t feel something for me. All of those shoes, clothes, dates, flowers, monetary “just because” gifts, long conversations on the phone, slumber parties, and him just being there at my beck and call had to be for something right?

Maybe not. Sigh.

I’m upset, but I’m relieved that it’s all over–the truth has been revealed and that’s far better than wondering. On the other hand, the feeling of love still lingers. All this time I thought I wasn’t even capable of loving again, I proved myself wrong. I think I’d always love Jonathan for that–for the awakening, even though I’m sure this love will eventually downgrade to mere appreciation.

Overall, I’m fearless. I’m ready to love. Again. I loved the feeling and I know now that I still know how to love.. and that I can love. Ultimately, I lost the guy/gave up the guy, but simultaneously, that was my win. I’d never want to keep a guy like that because if I would, that would definitely lower my self-worth. And my worth depreciates for no one!

There are still good guys out here. That is my belief. There are guys that want to be had – that need to be had – that just want to be loved.

Sit tight guys, I’m coming!

Have you ever started a blog entry with the intent of it being a short, informative passage just to update your readers and it ended up being entirely too damn long for your own liking? Yeah? Well I’m glad I’m not alone on this one. My sole intention was just to give a brief summary of why my updates have been so sparce and I went off on several tangents. So, I’ll try this again – and this time, I’ll use bullets.

Family – I celebrated my son’s birthday at the end of the month. January weather is the worst. It seemed like every weekend I planned to have my son’s birthday party, it rained or was extremely cold. Nevertheless, cake and ice cream was served and he had a blast.

Finances – Financially, I have reached a stable point in my life and I’m looking forward to the comfort that it brings. I’ve recently opened a Christmas Club account, restarting my Emergency fund, and I’m also planning for a few vacations. to remain in this stable state, I act as if I don’t have it. I act as if I have yet to receive my income taxes, money from school, etc. It’s working wonders for me.

Education – School is .. going. But, what else is new? Still, I’m not overwhelmed as I expected this type of workload. I’m still able to complete my assignments early and on time and I’m quite proud of myself for doing so.

Social & Romance - I’m meeting and greeting. not necessarily romantically, but I’m finding joy and excitement in meeting new people and being more social that what I normally am. I still only have eyes for the Mister who has me flying high even though I don’t get to see him often. There’s a reason why I’m holding on and I have a feeling that I won’t regret it.

Life – Pretty good.

January ended pretty well and I’m looking forward to what Feburary has in store.