est1987.net » Love | Lust http://est1987.net Sun, 29 Jan 2012 21:02:47 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.2 My Loss = My Win http://est1987.net/2011/07/my-loss-my-win/ http://est1987.net/2011/07/my-loss-my-win/#comments Thu, 21 Jul 2011 19:38:00 +0000 Raely B. http://est1987.net/?p=2764 I’m still having mixed emotions about actually going public with a series of unfortunate, heartbreaking events that has occurred within the last few weeks. But as I’m typing, I’m convincing myself that by the time I’m done with all that I need to say, I’ll feel brand new and relieved. Once I realized that saving face would only deprive you guys of the authenticity that I pride myself in providing, I was not willing to jeopordize the integrity of my blog. I came to the conclusion that I’d just rather keep it real.

Jonathan and I are no longer a couple. Yep, you read that correctly. Even after last month’s post about how extremely happy I was, which I truly was, all of that has ended. When I came to the realization that his behavior was just unacceptable, I had a very difficult time trying to tame my emotions. I cried, screamed, and begged God for just a little bit of strength to overcome this. But see, what God says pretty much goes, and He just wasn’t feelin’ it.

So what happened exactly? Well, Jonathan had a girlfriend, or has a girlfriend, or maybe they are no longer a couple after everything came to light. Needless to say, it was a discovery for her and I–a mature, emotional discovery. She cried – I cried. There was more than empathy that I felt for her. I was able to sympathize with her because I was in that same situation not long ago. I won’t go into detail, simply because she disclosed a few things to me that I prefer to keep off this blog. (You never know who’s peeping.) Nevertheless, I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, wish her the best and pray that she is given guidance in whatever she decides to do.

It was hard, especially since it was something that I really wanted. I had finally decided to give this love thing another shot, and it didn’t end how I had expected. But after lingering on the decision I made to give love another try, I reminded myself that with love, there are always risks. Love is a risk. Being in love was a great feeling, even though Jonathan wasn’t truthful with me the whole time. But there’s something that won’t allow me to believe that he didn’t feel something for me. All of those shoes, clothes, dates, flowers, monetary “just because” gifts, long conversations on the phone, slumber parties, and him just being there at my beck and call had to be for something right?

Maybe not. Sigh.

I’m upset, but I’m relieved that it’s all over–the truth has been revealed and that’s far better than wondering. On the other hand, the feeling of love still lingers. All this time I thought I wasn’t even capable of loving again, I proved myself wrong. I think I’d always love Jonathan for that–for the awakening, even though I’m sure this love will eventually downgrade to mere appreciation.

Overall, I’m fearless. I’m ready to love. Again. I loved the feeling and I know now that I still know how to love.. and that I can love. Ultimately, I lost the guy/gave up the guy, but simultaneously, that was my win. I’d never want to keep a guy like that because if I would, that would definitely lower my self-worth. And my worth depreciates for no one!

There are still good guys out here. That is my belief. There are guys that want to be had – that need to be had – that just want to be loved.

Sit tight guys, I’m coming!

]]> http://est1987.net/2011/07/my-loss-my-win/feed/ 16 To Sum Things Up.. http://est1987.net/2011/02/to-sum-things-up/ http://est1987.net/2011/02/to-sum-things-up/#comments Sat, 05 Feb 2011 16:48:11 +0000 Raely B. http://est1987.net/?p=2634 Have you ever started a blog entry with the intent of it being a short, informative passage just to update your readers and it ended up being entirely too damn long for your own liking? Yeah? Well I’m glad I’m not alone on this one. My sole intention was just to give a brief summary of why my updates have been so sparce and I went off on several tangents. So, I’ll try this again – and this time, I’ll use bullets.

    Family – I celebrated my son’s birthday at the end of the month. January weather is the worst. It seemed like every weekend I planned to have my son’s birthday party, it rained or was extremely cold. Nevertheless, cake and ice cream was served and he had a blast.
    Finances – Financially, I have reached a stable point in my life and I’m looking forward to the comfort that it brings. I’ve recently opened a Christmas Club account, restarting my Emergency fund, and I’m also planning for a few vacations. to remain in this stable state, I act as if I don’t have it. I act as if I have yet to receive my income taxes, money from school, etc. It’s working wonders for me.
    Education – School is .. going. But, what else is new? Still, I’m not overwhelmed as I expected this type of workload. I’m still able to complete my assignments early and on time and I’m quite proud of myself for doing so.

    Social & Romance - I’m meeting and greeting. not necessarily romantically, but I’m finding joy and excitement in meeting new people and being more social that what I normally am. I still only have eyes for the Mister who has me flying high even though I don’t get to see him often. There’s a reason why I’m holding on and I have a feeling that I won’t regret it.
    Life – Pretty good.

    January ended pretty well and I’m looking forward to what Feburary has in store.

]]> http://est1987.net/2011/02/to-sum-things-up/feed/ 0 Flying High. http://est1987.net/2011/01/flying-high/ http://est1987.net/2011/01/flying-high/#comments Sat, 08 Jan 2011 16:36:06 +0000 Raely B. http://est1987.net/?p=2465 I came here with hopes to share a few thoughts, feelings and emotions. These inclinations and sentiments are weighing on my heart, in a good way, nevertheless. I knew everything that I was going to say and how I wanted to say it. Specifically, I wanted to share my view on what life’s like in Smittenville; but now that task seems hardest to complete. My thoughts are all over the place. Perhaps it’s because when I revisit the occurrence that I want to share, I find myself dwelling on that moment. I find myself smiling at how it seems as though he needs to hold my hand and play with my fingers. I linger on the thought of his smile, the sound of his laughter, and his dimples. Each time, I re-savor what has already occurred. I am reliving that moment as if the past is the present. It’s truly remarkable to be able to do such.

Love? I think I have a long way to go before I get there. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying what my friends call smitten. I like smiling for no reason. I like the text messages throughout the day. I like the dates. I like when we just stay at home. I like the stories he has to tell. I like how he turns and looks at me, with his head slightly slanted, just to show that he’s listening to me. I love when it’s just me and him.

I probably shouldn’t put all of my eggs in one basket, but I honestly can’t help it. I don’t even have time to juggle all of the names, personalities, and “chill dates” with other people. I don’t want to. I can’t help the fact that every one else seems so obsolete to me now. My mind is consumed with pleasant thoughts. I try to keep those thoughts private but my attitude and my smile opted out of the offer I presented to keep those thoughts private.

My friends are having a blast with advertising my newfound happiness. Their comments are profuse. My sister has a myriad of vulgar, yet hilarious, things to say. But in particular, she claimed that I appeared as if I was floating.. no, flying.

I smiled.

Previously, I’ve felt as though I no longer knew how to love due to all that I’ve been through with my last relationship. I guess there is no such thing as a bird forgetting to fly..

]]> http://est1987.net/2011/01/flying-high/feed/ 2 Protected: The Blacklist http://est1987.net/2010/10/the-blacklist/ http://est1987.net/2010/10/the-blacklist/#comments Mon, 18 Oct 2010 23:40:03 +0000 Raely B. http://est1987.net/?p=2210

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