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Eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is. –Gary Zukav

Yesterday, I heard Ryan Leslie’s song, “How it was supposed to be”. I hadn’t heard it in so long. I sat there and I wondered if C.W. and I would ever get to the point where I pictured we’d be three years ago if we’d kept at it. Now, I can’t stop playing the song..

I woke up this morning next to C.W. Nothing sexual happened between us but the feeling that I felt this morning is equivalent to that orgasmic feeling after a sexual encounter. I’ve been on a quest to rediscover this feeling of bliss. I’m expressing my thoughts partially because I can already feel these joyous tears forming in my eyes. My face is flushed, it’s harder for me to breathe, I’m just emotional. But, in a good way.

I want to explain why I feel this way but I can’t find the right words to describe this feeling in it’s entirety. How cliche of me.. It’s just something about the way that he says “baby” or “bay” that gets me and keeps me. Our connection is indescribable and his interaction with my kids..I couldn’t ask for more. Imari was terribly ill yesterday. I took him to his pediatrician where he was diagnosed with RAD. After filling his prescriptions and returning home, C.W. called and I filled him in on Imari’s state. Before I knew it, he had taken off from work and was there to help me administer Imari’s medicine. Where was Imari’s biological father? At this point, who cares?

C.W. remained with me last night, playing with Iyanna and Imari. He’s still a kid at heart. While I was doing homework, Imari was in his lap and Iyanna sat aside him as he read “The Cat in the Hat”. I can’t even get them to stay as still as they were when I read the story. For a while, I sat there until he noticed that I was staring at him. The kids noticed when he stopped reading the story. Iyanna and Imari stared at me. I told him “Thank you”. The funniest thing was that after I said thank you, my kids turned to C.W. as if they were waiting for him to say “You’re Welcome” which is a custom in my family. He shook his head and said, “That’s not necessary.” and finished the book.

Is this happening to me? I’m just waiting to wake up from this dream because feeling like this, is all I ever dreamed about. Being happy, feeling free, and just being absolutely and completely satisfied is all I ever wanted. Even if C.W. were to leave me alone today or tomorrow, I would care not if he elected to plead the fifth and not provide me with an explanation. The degree of affection that he has given me is enough to last through and through. I am unsure how long I can remain satisfied from this affection, but again, I do not care!