The past few days since “the knowing” have been pretty difficult to deal with, but not unbearable. Each day gets better and I’m thankful for that. There are still moments that I shed tears about the entire situation, but focusing more on the happy times makes everything a little bit easier to deal with.

But, you know what else is a wonderful coping mechanism? Reading. For past few days, I happened to stumble upon a few blogs, like here, here, and here, that listed the novels that they were currently reading and how therapeutic reading is. I could remember the outlet this created when I had more time to indulge in reading before I became a mother.

Yes, my kids are a handful, especially my son; but, I’ve used them as an excuse for much too often when they enjoy reading as much as I do. So, why not let them read with me? The idea came to me when I noticed my son skimming through the pages of a book that I had just purchased. I’m going to make it a habit to take them to the library whenever I can.

My son reading a book to me

I remember how I used to beg my mom to bring me to the library. Any and every library I saw, I wanted to explore what was inside. I’d spend hours there–getting lost within the aisles of stories, poems, narratives, and history lessons. Sometimes, I’d find a quiet corner and sit on the floor by a window and read. Other times, I’d head over to the big comfy couch and bury myself within the cushions while simultaneously, burying myself withing the pages. I’m glad my mom exposed me to the joy of reading. And with my children, I plan to do the same.

My daughter reading online

So, my little family and I are starting a book collection, which I’m hoping to turn into a little library/nook in a section in the living room. I’ve even installed a little shelf in my room for my collection which is coming along great. I visited a few thrift stores and saw this:

 

Now can you beat that? I spent $2.00 on 5 books. I also visited another thrift store. Their prices were a bit higher but I great finds indeed. Right now, I’m currently reading A Gracious Plenty by Sherri Reynolds. I started yesterday and I’m half-way through. I’ll probably finish tonight.

Oh, and I also joined a book club. An online book club via Nerd Girl. I have yet to get the book to begin reading, but I plan on stopping by the library tomorrow since Borders didn’t have it with their going out of business sale. -_- You guys should join too. Discussion begins on August 15th and we’re currently reading Tananarive Due’s – My Soul to Keep. I may just be interested in hosting the next book club. We shall see.

What are you guys currently reading?

I’m still having mixed emotions about actually going public with a series of unfortunate, heartbreaking events that has occurred within the last few weeks. But as I’m typing, I’m convincing myself that by the time I’m done with all that I need to say, I’ll feel brand new and relieved. Once I realized that saving face would only deprive you guys of the authenticity that I pride myself in providing, I was not willing to jeopordize the integrity of my blog. I came to the conclusion that I’d just rather keep it real.

Jonathan and I are no longer a couple. Yep, you read that correctly. Even after last month’s post about how extremely happy I was, which I truly was, all of that has ended. When I came to the realization that his behavior was just unacceptable, I had a very difficult time trying to tame my emotions. I cried, screamed, and begged God for just a little bit of strength to overcome this. But see, what God says pretty much goes, and He just wasn’t feelin’ it.

So what happened exactly? Well, Jonathan had a girlfriend, or has a girlfriend, or maybe they are no longer a couple after everything came to light. Needless to say, it was a discovery for her and I–a mature, emotional discovery. She cried – I cried. There was more than empathy that I felt for her. I was able to sympathize with her because I was in that same situation not long ago. I won’t go into detail, simply because she disclosed a few things to me that I prefer to keep off this blog. (You never know who’s peeping.) Nevertheless, I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, wish her the best and pray that she is given guidance in whatever she decides to do.

It was hard, especially since it was something that I really wanted. I had finally decided to give this love thing another shot, and it didn’t end how I had expected. But after lingering on the decision I made to give love another try, I reminded myself that with love, there are always risks. Love is a risk. Being in love was a great feeling, even though Jonathan wasn’t truthful with me the whole time. But there’s something that won’t allow me to believe that he didn’t feel something for me. All of those shoes, clothes, dates, flowers, monetary “just because” gifts, long conversations on the phone, slumber parties, and him just being there at my beck and call had to be for something right?

Maybe not. Sigh.

I’m upset, but I’m relieved that it’s all over–the truth has been revealed and that’s far better than wondering. On the other hand, the feeling of love still lingers. All this time I thought I wasn’t even capable of loving again, I proved myself wrong. I think I’d always love Jonathan for that–for the awakening, even though I’m sure this love will eventually downgrade to mere appreciation.

Overall, I’m fearless. I’m ready to love. Again. I loved the feeling and I know now that I still know how to love.. and that I can love. Ultimately, I lost the guy/gave up the guy, but simultaneously, that was my win. I’d never want to keep a guy like that because if I would, that would definitely lower my self-worth. And my worth depreciates for no one!

There are still good guys out here. That is my belief. There are guys that want to be had – that need to be had – that just want to be loved.

Sit tight guys, I’m coming!