I always saw myself as a mother. I saw myself going to college, receiving my degree, beginning my career, meeting a great man like my father, getting married, and then having kids all in that order. When I take a look at how I’ve “progressed”, it appears as though I’ve skipped around a bit. I’ve graduated high school and I attend college where I’m currently a Junior. I also have two children whom I raise primarily on my own. I’m only 22 years old and I’m single.
I can’t help but to think that I took a wrong turn somewhere even though the route to my destination had been highlighted. Mind you, I don’t have a dire need to be with a guy for a feeling of completeness or sufficiency, but being in the company of a gentleman is something that I desire and is something that I miss. I wouldn’t mind being loved by a guy who loves me in that same genuine form. I miss that. I miss sharing mutuality and positive reciprocity. I miss feeling the warmth and the presence of someone next to me at night. I miss my side of the bed being invaded.
I want to experience companionship again. I wish I could just skip through all the preliminary steps to feel wanted and needed by a companion. I know I have to wait, I just don’t want to. My enthusiasm always causes me to reinhabit the compartments of my mind that contain the memories of he and I. I wish I loved him. I wish I loved and trusted him like I did. I wish my heart would allow me to forgive and my mind would allow me to forget all of the terrible things that he has done and possibly start over. But, I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve to receive half of a person when I’ve given myself wholly. I don’t deserve to be lied to in a sad attempt to preserve my feelings. I don’t deserve the dishonesty on behalf of the delicacy of my heart. I deserve what I give–honesty, true love, and allegiance–characteristics he doesn’t have and probably never will possess.
Even if one day he is willing and able as he’s protesting now, I won’t ever believe it. I’ve endured a lot and as a result, I’ve acquired a lot of strength that prevents me from turning back everytime he offers to “be a family.” I’m no longer a naive, oblivious girl thirsting for his love and affection for the sake of a family life. Hell, my struggles and my independence won’t allow me to be. But, sometimes I wish I could give in. Sometimes I wish I could be submissive and dwell within that submission without guilt or regret.