I always saw myself as a mother. I saw myself going to college, receiving my degree, beginning my career, meeting a great man like my father, getting married, and then having kids all in that order. When I take a look at how I’ve “progressed”, it appears as though I’ve skipped around a bit. I’ve graduated high school and I attend college where I’m currently a Junior. I also have two children whom I raise primarily on my own. I’m only 22 years old and I’m single.

I can’t help but to think that I took a wrong turn somewhere even though the route to my destination had been highlighted. Mind you, I don’t have a dire need to be with a guy for a feeling of completeness or sufficiency, but being in the company of a gentleman is something that I desire and is something that I miss. I wouldn’t mind being loved by a guy who loves me in that same genuine form. I miss that. I miss sharing mutuality and positive reciprocity. I miss feeling the warmth and the presence of someone next to me at night. I miss my side of the bed being invaded.

I loathe this vacancy.

I want to experience companionship again. I wish I could just skip through all the preliminary steps to feel wanted and needed by a companion. I know I have to wait, I just don’t want to. My enthusiasm always causes me to reinhabit the compartments of my mind that contain the memories of he and I. I wish I loved him. I wish I loved and trusted him like I did. I wish my heart would allow me to forgive and my mind would allow me to forget all of the terrible things that he has done and possibly start over. But, I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve to receive half of a person when I’ve given myself wholly. I don’t deserve to be lied to in a sad attempt to preserve my feelings. I don’t deserve the dishonesty on behalf of the delicacy of my heart. I deserve what I give–honesty, true love, and allegiance–characteristics he doesn’t have and probably never will possess.

Even if one day he is willing and able as he’s protesting now, I won’t ever believe it. I’ve endured a lot and as a result, I’ve acquired a lot of strength that prevents me from turning back everytime he offers to “be a family.” I’m no longer a naive, oblivious girl thirsting for his love and affection for the sake of a family life. Hell, my struggles and my independence won’t allow me to be. But, sometimes I wish I could give in. Sometimes I wish I could be submissive and dwell within that submission without guilt or regret.

Sometimes I wish I were weak.

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8 Comments
  1. Erika

    June 1, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    I fully understand how you feel. When I think back on my plan it was nowhere near the path I have taken. I think we all at sometime wonder if we had turned a blind eye and acted as naive as they thought we were that things would be ok if not better because at least we weren’t alone. But we also kno that we would still be hurting and longing for that something better than this.

  2. Shelly

    June 2, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    I could not agree more with that last line of your blog. And hey – if it means anything, no one that I have known has ever followed through with their dream plans. They will always be there of course, to keep us going and working but you can’t really “plan” life right? I’d feel pretty damn proud of myself if I were you – raising two kids and attending college isn’t something everyone can do. People tell me that “its a good thing you’re so strong and independent” but sometimes I wonder how different it would be if I weren’t. I’m glad that there are others out there like you, it makes me feel like there are other people fighting against the same things I am – and I use same verry loosely here. Stay strong Carla. <3

    1. Raely B.

      June 2, 2010 at 1:30 pm

      I seriously got a little teary-eyed after reading your comment because you’re absolutely right. I should look at my “plan” as something to keep me going rather than allowing this plan to cast a negative light on my life.

      Sometimes I wonder if I’d be happier as a weak person, as a person who wears their heart on their sleeve. Sometimes I envy those with that type of freedom. But at the same time, having this strength gives me a sense of structure and control that I love and cherish. So after pondering, I am happy that I’m strong–most of the times.

      Its also reassuring that there are strong individuals that would prefer to feel weak from time to time just to satisfy their emotions and cater to their feelings. I don’t feel like so a weirdo now.

      :heh:

  3. lindsie

    June 2, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Hey girl sorry my comp has been down and im using my in-laws computer at this moment. I hope all has been well. I can’t agree more with your posts. Although im very satisfied and grateful of where I am today I still have many thinks I would have like to have accomplished already. Schooling is my main goal. I want to go back and get a degree but now im thinking of opening up my own business once I get situated with my move. Like a daycare? I don’t know. Im so undecided and im not too sure if I want to go down the road with college. ALL that money you have to pay back. I’d rather take a business loan out or go in partnership with a business. Ah. But it is what it is we will just have to see what our future holds, ya know? Take care girl!

  4. Shannon

    June 2, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    Amen girl! I know exactly how you feel. Other times, I’d much rather be alone than to deal with the dramas of relationships. I hope that I find that companionship that I’m longing for also.
    .-= Shannon – Prince Charming =-.

  5. Dominique

    June 2, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    Don’t we all wish life would go according to the plan we make for ourselves…I can understand the want/need to have the companionship of a man. It’s natural, everyone wants that, even I want that and I’m content {majority of the time} with being alone, but I just love having a guy around that understands me & have those mutual feelings. Clichè, may I? There’s always better :-) You’ll find that one. I definitely hate having to go through that process of getting to know someone & all that extra crap, you just want it to happen and be happy.

  6. Jenny

    June 5, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    I know this is gonna sound aweful since I have a family and all… but I’m jealous of you xD I wish I was single. There is so much I wanna do that I can’t now ’cause I have a son and husband.

    But yea, live it up! hehe
    .-= Jenny – Pink skelly fun (aka my layout) =-.

  7. BlkBond

    June 7, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    Dope Blog. I saw you left a msg on mine, just returning the favor. Honesty and Truth.
    I will be back.

    Bond.

    I definitely appreciate you…for more reasons than you know…

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