Rae La Soul

I’ve had the chance to gain a few moments to reflect on my life — my successes, my failures, my goals, etc. I thought about some of the decisions that I’ve made, good and bad, and wondered what would have happened if I would have chosen the opposite. Granted, I could have avoided a lot of mishaps in my life, but life is filled with mishaps, disagreements, troubles, and hardships. Simultaneously, life is filled with happiness, joy, success, and opportunities.

I’m a single parent with two children, a boy and a girl, as most of you know that. You also know that I have times where I am down and other times I’m high on life. As I have no other choice, I deal with the effects that the lows have on me in private to make sure my kids are unaffected. I have moments where I cry myself to sleep because things seem to be overwhelming. Nevertheless, when morning comes, my hope has replenished itself and I’m ready to take on the day. Sometimes I wonder how easy it’ll be if I had help from their fathers. That will require me to deal with their actions–actions I don’t agree with. I don’t feel I should have to suppress my dignity or my sanity for such help. With that being said, I don’t and since I don’t, things are a bit more difficult to deal with.

I’m a single parent that attends school full-time. I am a fairly good student but I know I can be a much better one. Its become harder since the birth of my second child and I’m still adjusting to my daughter attending school, helping her with her homework and still managing to find the time to do mine. I’ve found a way to make it work; however, I’m trying to find a way to improve my method. Sometimes I think about how life would be if my family consisted of a father figure. I see nuclear/blended families all the time and it makes me wonder. I’ve always longed for it. I never intended on being single with two children with two different fathers. But then again, our intentions become obsolete and non-existent and we forget what we intended to do. I’ve accepted the fact that it’s just me, and I’m okay with that.

When I think about life, I don’t dwell on my hardships and what may seem like troubling situations. Why? Well, because I know it could always be worst. I’ve never had an easy life when I was younger, especially in high school. When you have no other choice but to work because things aren’t going so well at home, you mature faster than those who don’t have to deal with such, and you do what you have to do for your family. I started working at 15 and I was able to buy my own school supplies, my school uniforms, club dues, my cell phone bill, car notes, etc. Times for my family got really hard when my dad got laid off and I remember rarely seeing him because he worked hard to maintain. My sister and I helped out with household bills and other things. It was hard to get used to because I wanted to enjoy my money, but I got over it and realized what was more important. I never really got a chance to have a childhood like my peers, but I don’t ever regret my struggle. I realize things could have been worse.

Life hasn’t been awesome for me but it hasn’t been terrible either. I strongly believe that I wouldn’t appreciate life as much as I do now if I wouldn’t have gone through what I did. I wouldn’t take school as seriously as I do as my scholarships are a main source of me maintaining my lifestyle and household. If I didn’t have my children, I wouldn’t appreciate life and what would come. I’d have no sense of budgeting and planning.

I’ve harbored the idea of me living life differently if I could do so. I questioned if given the opportunity, would I live it the same way? ABSOLUTELY. I’d change a few things in terms to things I may have wasted money on, but I’d definitely live my life the exact same way.

This is why I’d relive my life the exact same way.

Would you?