I’ve been thinking much more than I usually do. Any moment that I have to just be still and the myriads of combinations of things that are my thoughts consume me. And then I interrogate myself with the How’s & Why’s & When’s & If’s.

Then my thoughts transition into nocturnal thoughts. Dreams. And cyclically, my dreams become my thoughts. I awake and I reach out for anything that’s close to me to record the behavior of my subconscious mind. I write and plan and research until I’m tired. In most cases, it’s until it’s time to get the day started. And everything that I’ve just documented is added to the myriads of combinations of things. And then I interrogate myself and the cycle continues. That is, until I am distracted and I’m forced to think about other things.

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I can’t help but to acknowledge this lingering fear of wondering if I’m truly ready to do this.

“People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don’t deserve them, or that they’ll be unable to achieve them.” -The Alchemist

And then I think, maybe it isn’t fear because certainly I’m not afraid to fly and soar.. and reach.. and achieve. Maybe it’s just anxiety and excitement because in reality, I am ready. Maybe I’m just longing for one more chance to hear my mother tell me to go for it and that I can do anything I put my mind to. Maybe I just want to see her smile in amazement and be the biggest cheerleader on my team. But I know that I am still loved.. even from those high Heavens in which she now calls home. I am still loved. And when you are loved, you can do anything in creation.

“The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far…” -The Alchemist

I also can’t help but to acknowledge this surety that also lingers. I’ve lost too many nights of sleep to assume that this is faux surety. These dreams.. they haunt me. They loll within my mind day in and day out. And this energy.. this energy has taken every inch of my normal, reserved self captive. I am a hostage to my eagerness and my readiness, to my desire to do. And these tears.. these tears that have stained my face in every direction imaginable, they refuse to let me believe otherwise.

Life has become so much more interesting. I guess dreams have a way of doing that. A friend of mine asked me if life was everything I had ever dreamed it would be. And I couldn’t answer him. And I probably won’t ever be able to because I never stop dreaming.

Sometimes, there’s just no way to hold back the river.

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  1. Daenel T

    November 6, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    I have no advice. My head whirs too. I think we’re just more aware at night because of the silence.

    But you do know you have a whole slew of people cheering you on as you do your thing. Take care. xoxo

    1. Rae

      November 7, 2013 at 9:22 am

      I agree. When I get home, I finally have the chance to only hear what I want to hear and in most instances, I’m still in my bed with the TV really low. Most of the time, I love being able to be entertained by my thoughts, but then there are times like these.. sigh.. you get me.

      Thank you for your support. I wish you knew how much it means to me, Dani.

  2. Mimi

    November 6, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    I know about this. It can be exhilarating and the same time daunting because it can be so much. I have no advice but that dreams may be the way that God reveals things to us and it’s only right to chase after them. I got your back!

    1. Rae

      November 7, 2013 at 9:20 am

      I’ve heard that and I truly believe that God speaks to us in many forms and one of those forms is through dreams. I can definitely attest to that because I’ve had much revealed to me that way. Perhaps I need to pay just a little more attention to them.

      And I’m glad you always have my back! (:

  3. Sheriden

    November 7, 2013 at 8:36 am

    This… is simply beautiful. I can relate to this piece so much. I don’t think you write it seeking advice but to just simply release. Sometimes tears are important and I believe that as long as fear can be acknowledged, it loses its power. I love that you never stop dreaming and I hope to be the same. I don’t know what else to say but that I’ve found your words to be so powerful. Thank you for being vulnerable. To be open is beautiful, to be open has power. And I think you are in possession of both.

    1. Rae

      November 7, 2013 at 9:09 am

      Sheriden, you always get me. You are definitely my kindred soul or spirit. This was definitely a form of release for me and I’m glad that I was able to do so. I’ve must have reread this post about 10 times and each time, I seem to gain a little more courage and bravery. I’ve been told that there’s always strength and power in being vulnerable. And I truly understand what that means now. Thank you!

  4. Delabelle

    November 7, 2013 at 8:56 am

    I love this and yes this is true to me as well. I have a lot going on in my life and I am always thinking, dreaming, and planning. It helps a lot to write down my thoughts and plans. It’s very beneficial to me to just get away for a few minutes and think/meditate.


    1. Rae

      November 7, 2013 at 9:24 am

      Yes! It has definitely proven to be quite beneficial to record things. I think being in a new environment to think might help me with organizing all of these thoughts and plans and get me one step closer to making things happen.

  5. Law_Fal

    November 7, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    I definitely understand how you are feeling… I need to hurry up and read the Alchemist as well. All the quotes I have seen you post from it have left me even more intrigued to read it.

  6. Jessica L

    November 9, 2013 at 8:54 am

    This is a bit cryptic, I think? Some people think that dreams mean things symbolically, and I guess they do, to a point. When I was little, I use to always dream of flying and or being chased by something I couldn’t see or monsters. After growing up and leaving home, I stopped having those dreams, which makes sense because my family was very confining, judgmental, and traditional. It was a culture thing, not that they are bad or “wrong”. I’m so glad I don’t have any dreams now, or if I do, I don’t remember them. I like getting a full night’s sleep. I hope that whatever is bothering you or consuming your thoughts gets “resolved’. -Jess L

  7. Kay

    November 10, 2013 at 11:28 pm

    I’m all too familiar with my anxieties. I was speaking to my mom today about the dreams Ive been having about my grandmother. Rather not repeat such awful dreams but I must say those dreams reflect what have been keeping me up nights. I do not believe that your dreams have anything to do with real life situations you feel or go through. But for me it be comes deja vu. And that’s when it gets real for me.

    It your mind is on school, work, the kids or other things you have planned for yourself then take it head on. Fear is anxieties waiting to be put in its place. You can do anything you put your mind to. You’re a kick ass woman. You came this far, why let fear stop you now.

  8. Courtnee

    November 11, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    It’s good to know that I’m not the only one that feels this way at times. I would consider myself a dreamer. I’ve been dreaming since before I can remember. I also believe that God has given me the gift of “dreams” because they all manifest in some way or another.

    Have you ever woken up with tears in your eyes, just to realize that you woke up from a dream? I have; its powerful.

    I agree with Sheridan. Thank you for being so vulnerable and open. This was beautiful.


  9. Jennifer

    November 12, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    I love love that book ! it’s so insightful and really puts a lot of things into perspective. It’s a great read for all young adults!


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