I’ve been thinking much more than I usually do. Any moment that I have to just be still and the myriads of combinations of things that are my thoughts consume me. And then I interrogate myself with the How’s & Why’s & When’s & If’s.
Then my thoughts transition into nocturnal thoughts. Dreams. And cyclically, my dreams become my thoughts. I awake and I reach out for anything that’s close to me to record the behavior of my subconscious mind. I write and plan and research until I’m tired. In most cases, it’s until it’s time to get the day started. And everything that I’ve just documented is added to the myriads of combinations of things. And then I interrogate myself and the cycle continues. That is, until I am distracted and I’m forced to think about other things.
I can’t help but to acknowledge this lingering fear of wondering if I’m truly ready to do this.
“People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don’t deserve them, or that they’ll be unable to achieve them.” -The Alchemist
And then I think, maybe it isn’t fear because certainly I’m not afraid to fly and soar.. and reach.. and achieve. Maybe it’s just anxiety and excitement because in reality, I am ready. Maybe I’m just longing for one more chance to hear my mother tell me to go for it and that I can do anything I put my mind to. Maybe I just want to see her smile in amazement and be the biggest cheerleader on my team. But I know that I am still loved.. even from those high Heavens in which she now calls home. I am still loved. And when you are loved, you can do anything in creation.
“The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far…” -The Alchemist
I also can’t help but to acknowledge this surety that also lingers. I’ve lost too many nights of sleep to assume that this is faux surety. These dreams.. they haunt me. They loll within my mind day in and day out. And this energy.. this energy has taken every inch of my normal, reserved self captive. I am a hostage to my eagerness and my readiness, to my desire to do. And these tears.. these tears that have stained my face in every direction imaginable, they refuse to let me believe otherwise.
Life has become so much more interesting. I guess dreams have a way of doing that. A friend of mine asked me if life was everything I had ever dreamed it would be. And I couldn’t answer him. And I probably won’t ever be able to because I never stop dreaming.