And I think at this point, it hurts a little bit more. Because at the top, you expect it. You’re sort of used to it.

You start to realize that the amount of people who you started with are dwindling. As you gain more success and more acolades.. when you start attaining and even surpassing goal after goal after goal in what seems like an effortless manner, people disappear. All of those people you thought for sure would remain and celebrate with you, don’t even answer their phones. They don’t even reach out to you. And when you do reach out to them, the answers are short and barely sweet.

I’ve heard how lonely it is at the top, especially if the progression gap is eons in difference. And sometimes you wish they could see how much you’ve sacrificed and how hard you’ve prayed and how many tears you’ve cried. Nor how many times you’ve pieced yourself together when the world ripped you apart. The many times you’ve fallen. The bruises on your knees from all that praying. The blisters on your hands from holding on to a dream so tightly only to deal with it escaping you. No one realizes all the dark moments that only you know God was the only one who could have gotten you through.

Nobody sees the late nights you put in. The extra mile you go to want to learn all you can. All the time you’ve taken to prep yourself to never be scared to ask a question so that I can get a better understanding and be completely indispensable to my project. No one really cares about the effort you put in, they’re only worried with the outcome. And they envy you for it.

They envy you for your perseverance. Your resilience. Your ability to be strong enough to pick yourself back up when you fall. And maybe that’s why my emotions, my thoughts, and my feelings are so disregarded. That would be the perfect excuse, wouldn’t it?

I’ve begun to see past the facades and the fronts. I’ve always known that people aren’t as happy for you as they so jubilantly claim that they are for you. And I’ve always known that my true, authentic happiness for a person doesn’t require reciprocation. But knowing and seeing it first hand from certain individuals truly appalls me because I was always sure that the people I had surrounded myself with would practice that reciprocity.

It’s going to hurt to let a few relationships go, but my family comes first. The things that they need are a priority. Our places in this world are important. The marks and legacy I’m trying to leave for them is crucial so I’m inclined to set the bar as high as I can. And my peace, my peace is conducive to my upward climb. I have never had a problem using my candle to light another’s wick, but I’d be damn if I ever see myself dim my light to allow others to shine. And I will never apologize for making that decision.

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  1. Daenel T

    September 20, 2015 at 2:37 pm

    Sending you all kinds of hugs.

    The Hubs has expressed similar thoughts as he has fought and climbed his way at his job too. I have to share this with him, just so he knows that he’s not alone. My advice to you {and to him}: keep praying, keep shining, and do your thing.

    1. Rae

      October 7, 2015 at 10:28 am

      Please do share with him. Give him a *fist bump* for me.

  2. Law_Fal

    September 20, 2015 at 10:55 pm

    It is indeed lonely, and as time progresses the cream will rise to the top. My closest friends now all have similar goals and have maintained similar growth and upward mobility in life. I lost the ones who were there for me when I had time to go out every weekend, and pretend like we were still on the yard but once you reach a certain level you just have to realign your focus. It hurts for a moment, then you move on and you’re just as happy and usually happier than before. Seasons, reasons, shed like dead leaves……

    1. Rae

      October 7, 2015 at 10:31 am

      I think that’s the harsh reality that I don’t want to face — leaving old friends behind although it seems that it will be necessary. I’m always the type of person to try and bring as many people as I can UP. And it saddens me that people I love and have grown to love want to remain stagnant. But in the end, I have to do what I have to do for myself and my family. “I’ve come too far just to come this far.”

  3. Chymere

    September 29, 2015 at 10:57 pm

    I feeeeeeel it!!! I’m in this place right now, actually, and the people I thought would be here in moments I want to give up are few and far between. Even the other day, I was on the phone with a friend venting about how alone I feel and how this entire journey to becoming the person I’ve always wanted to become is draining me. But this is the life I chose and like you, I won’t dim my light just to be able to level with people who don’t want to understand my position nor my purpose.

    Perfect timing.

    1. Rae

      October 7, 2015 at 10:32 am

      Chy, we’re just going to have to shine. . and hopefully our light reaches those we’ve left behind.

  4. Shannon

    October 1, 2015 at 9:06 pm

    I’ve always believed that we outgrow some of our friends, especially if we’re not moving at the same paces or heading to the same places in life. I don’t always think that the distancing is intentional. There are, however, those who are envious and sometimes feel inadequate in comparison to you, which is not your fault.

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