I woke up at 4AM this morning. That’s what nightmares do. I needed to go back to sleep, but the need to catch my breath and calm myself outweighed my sleepiness.
The guy woke up, got me a glass of water, and coddled me for a while to make sure I was ok. I really take him for granted sometimes. He deserves more of myself than I give to him. I realized that I’m not giving 100%, perhaps 80 or 85%. I’d like to think that the small percentage that remains has a purpose.. maybe like to still have or keep a little bit of myself for me. Or perhaps it’s a reserve.. a reserve of myself for myself in case I have to add another failed relationship or disconnection to my repertoire.. you know, in case I have to find all of the pieces that comprise myself after I’ve been broken once again, and piece myself back together and make myself whole again. Maybe this is the problem.
Maybe instead of having a small part of me for myself or for reserve, this is proven to be not as beneficial as I assumed in the beginning. Because after truly analyzing this situation, maybe this is actually my bondage. My personal suffrage that I inflict on myself because somehow in a sick, but sensible way, this is how I protect myself from myself. From all the extra love and the extra everything I want to give to the people I love without thought.
Man is free at the moment he wishes to be. — Voltaire
I’ve realized that I haven’t truly let go of things I was swore I had given to the wind. And I’ve also realized that I haven’t truly administered forgiveness appropriately. Not to those who have hurt me, I’ve struggled with that but successfully got through it. But maybe I haven’t forgiven myself for not protecting myself as I should have. For falling and behaving so freely without consideration of consequence. Without any contemplation of the results of my lack of responsibility.
But that’s what June is for. June is for forgiveness. For forgetting.
When I awake tomorrow, I will be free.